THE WKND SOCIAL COUPLE: AUGUST EDITION

The August edition saw the return of one of my favourite couples.

 I hadn't seen the both of them together at an event since the Love Hangover Edition, I think. Yes, we notice these things :-) 

At the August Edition held at Emoyeni Estate.

Introducing Kgomotso and Motheo, regular TWS guests who are always bearing smiles and good cheer. Something I hope is a direct result of the good times had at THE WKND SOCIAL. In the spirit of Throwback Thursday here are a couple more pics of the lovely couple from past socials.

                                                                                            

THE URKEL STRATEGY: A look at the modern day Urkel

We're all familiar with Steve Urkel, from Family Matters. The appearance character that ended up being, not only the shows main personality but also its main protagonist. One of the most memorable episodes from the series for me is when Steve asks Laura out for the one thousand time. He is rejected yet again but he celebrates this particular rejection saying:

"You just said get a life Steve. A week ago you would have said, get a life turbo nerd; I'm wearing you down baby. I'm wearing you doooown!" 

My friend *Nancy had been speaking to a certain gentleman for a couple months. Very early on in their communication he made it clear that he wanted to be more than friends. She declined his advances saying as nice as he was she just wasn’t attracted to him. He said fine and asked if it was ok that he keeps in touch. He did, every day in fact, mostly to say hi and on the odd days they would talk a little more finding more and more common ground. 

As you get older there are very few opportunities where men and women can get to know each other without undue pressure and expectations and because most relationships are spurred by physical attraction, the man or woman we are not instantaneously attracted to is hardly given a chance. 

On the one hand the Urkel Strategy requires discipline and patience and on the other hand; we are a generation of expediency. We want something and we want it now. 

Earlier this year, Christopher Muther, from Boston.com wrote about the growing culture of impatience and how that makes us crave more and more instant gratification.

The article included some compelling reports. One of which was from Darrell Worthy, an assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M University who studies decision making and motivation. Worthy found evidence that we were becoming more focused on quick fun than on reading books or magazines.

“A lot of things that are really valuable take time,” Worthy said. “But immediate gratification is the default response. It’s difficult to overcome those urges and be patient and wait for things to come over time.” 

“The need for instant gratification is not new, but our expectation of ‘instant’ has become faster, and as a result, our patience is thinner.”  was the observation made by Narayan Janakiraman, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas, Arlington. 

The context of both Worthy's and Janairaman's studies was not on dating but this is arguably a societal conditioning that has seeped through to every day life and expectations.

When weighing our interests its often based on what we see and like. There are vey few opportunities to get to know each other before dating; dating is the getting to know each other. Allow good men that you may not immediately attracted to the opportunity to surprise you. My friend *Nancy found herself looking forward to her daily conversations with this particular man and physical attraction for her was one of the last things to come.

After much comedic trial and error, Laura and Steve finally get together. Now, *Nancy and her beau may not have such a fortunate ending but there’s something to be said and commended about the patience and cunning of this one man, the modern day Urkel.

Feast!

THE FRIEND ZONE

"The status one attains when a woman is not attracted to you."

A guy likes you; you really, really like him just not in that way. You like him so much in fact that you want to keep him around. It’s worth stating the obvious but one can only friend zone some one they like and ideally want to keep around ... as a friend.

I always found it hard turning down guys whose personalities I genuinely liked. I struggled with friend zoning often leading somebody on far enough to find myself ducking the odd kiss or two. When that happens there's no possibility of a friend zone. The guy ends up feeling like a fool and being around you will always remind him of that awkward and highly embarrassing moment. The look of utter horror on your face as he leaned in, how your whole body jerked and with cat like reflexes you one-two, one-two, you ducked and you dove. You pulled your face so far back your neck muscles and sinew strained against the flimsiness of your drawn out skin. Imagine this image of you seared onto someone's brain. Would you want to befriend that memory? I didn't think so.

Ever since I made bluntness my thing, my strategy is to inform men that they are being friend zoned or have been friend zoned. How does one do that you ask? Well, we'll be at the bar or out at lunch and when the bill comes, I’ll reach for it and say out loud, " you see this right here" and in an exaggerated manner I'll gesture to the bill and say, " me paying for my food/drink. This is you being friend zoned." 

Other times, I'll hint to the friend zone by gushing, "You are so amazing, smart and attractive." Gush, pause and then continue, "I have this girlfriend and I think you guys would be perfect for each other!” There is no friend, just the obvious translation.

There's also treating him like the gay best friend; talking about other men and asking for his opinion. There’s the “emasculating” strategy where you treat him like a cute baby. This involves a lot of cheek squeezing and phrases like "isn't he the cutest" to his friends and yours. There are many friend-zoning strategies but the announcement has been my preferred method of tackling that elephant in the room. They're sheepish for a moment but I think the comical way that it's approached leaves a lot of recovery room and has often resulted in the smooth transition of aspiring lover to homie but then there are those other times.

There’s a guy. He has an amazing personality, he’s funny, charming etc. Despite several announcements he resists all attempts at the friend zone. Usually after a guy has accepted his friend zoning you can quickly move onto the friendship. The flirting and constant marketing of himself, his prowess, coolness and uhm, other things swiftly come to an end. But there are certain individuals who will sit with you in what should have just been a moment of awkwardness and give it chapters.

Sometimes the announcement is mistakenly taken as a challenge and sometimes a brother is just an incredibly determined individual. I would just like to point out that at some point resisting a friend zone can become creepy and creepy as we all know is cousin to rapey. You don't want to be this guy.

There are times when a woman gives mixed signals. She may enjoy the attention she gets from the guy and from time to time may lead him on. Friend zoning needs to be clear. Don’t try drawing compliments out of him when you’re feeling low. Don’t twerk on the guy just to exercise your power over his senses. Don’t speak to him everyday, drawing him into your life only to wave your finger at him when he starts getting comfortable and confident.

Ladies, there are no grey areas when friend zoning. If you want him to just be your friend then treat him just like any male friend.

Guys, when she tells you you’ve been friend zoned you have been friend zoned. Deal.

I AM NOT MY HAIR?

The first time I heard India Arie's "I am not my hair?" my immediate response was, I beg to differ. I get it. We come from different cultures and walks of life and hair obviously has varying significance for all of us.

My mom had long and thick hair that fell past her shoulders. People often asked if she was of North African descent as though long and thick hair was not something that women in the SADEC region could ever claim. I remember pictures of her in her late twenties with the loveliest and thickest of fro's. In her thirties she spotted a straightened version of that same long thick hair that now blew in the wind, bounced as she walked and moved as she laughed. My mothers hair was enviable.

I had "good hair" too back then. My mom opting that we rather get our hair straightened with a hot comb and not chemically treated. My hair was long, natural yet "manageable". My mother had a clothing store, a boutique if you will, eNew Brighton eBhayi. We were quite a sight, my sister and I in our matching pin striped Carducci suits, our long natural and manageable hair standing alongside our mother with the long thick hair that blew in the wind, bounced when she walked and moved as she laughed. To have good hair was to be treated differently. It was to be special.

A womans hair is her crowning glory. 

1 Corinthians 11:14-15

Good hair was revered with religious fervour. Relaxed hair was washed once a week. Treated every two weeks and styled every other week and for special occasions. Every 2 to 3 months it was relaxed again. It was pricey and somehow become a class issue as you could quickly tell or assumed what tier other girls were based on how their hair looked and was maintained. 

My hair suffered because of this regime with it thinning out at the back, forcing me to go short just before I turned 11. Short wasn't popular back then. I did however notice that I found myself less attractive in my "German cut" but to my comfort also felt less sexualised. The boyish cut also had me choosing masculine and boyish trends of the time. 

When puberty struck around 12 and as I hoped a certain boy from Kingswood College would look my way I remember begging my mother to let me get the then famed "Boom Shaka" braids. She insisted that the hair style was not appropriate for someone my age. Like many she could't divorce the hairstyle from the gyrating duo. Its like the hair had a life or personality of its own, too sexual for a kid my age.

In my teens I was introduced to black consciousness and immediately became a natural hair snob. Judging all black women who didn't embrace their own coils. For years I alternated between dreads, a fro, twists and braids yet nothing looked quite as good as my mothers straightened hair.

At that point, my hair sang, "I'm black and I'm proud" but my envy revealed that I hadn't successfully escaped decades of racial subjugation and bad psychology.

In my twenties I got my first weave. After years of envy I bought what I couldn't grow and I abandoned the head wrap, maxi skirt and beads. My hair governed my sense of style and spaces I occupied. And it was in a room filled with strangers that I realised the power my hair had over me.

Once, in my twenties, I was in an emotionally impossible position and in a stroke of defiance I went bald and found myself agreeing for the very first time to India Arie's "I am not my hair" but that was only because I had no hair to be like.

Now, in my 30's I prefer to have braids and you'll catch me spotting the occasional weave but I am way too conscious and suspicious of long luxurious weaves. Not on others, just on myself. The obvious ridiculousness is the fact that there is nothing natural about braids at all yet they register as more real and natural because they're not seen as an attempt to be someone else rather different and decorative. Sometimes I think, "well, this is just me and that isn't." But I suspect it isn't that simple. I'm from a certain time and consciousness and there my hair says something. It informs my style and overall aesthetic.

So think and sing what you may because I am most certainly my hair.

Feast.

THE WKND SOCIAL COUPLES: JULY EDITION

A couple weeks back I did a whole post about THE WKND SOCIAL Couples which you can check out over here. A glimpse, if you will, of the beautifully paired men and women that had attended past events. I basically sold THE WKND SOCIAL as a great date event and after July's edition I still do. Because I am romantically inclined I paid particular attention to the well dressed pairs that strutted in either hand in hand or cuffed.

Here are some pics featuring 2 of my favourite couples from this past edition of THE WKND SOCIAL. The theme was Winter White and both were the perfect picture of wintery white hues, stark white, silvery white, ivory and eggshell.  I'm  not sure how stealth one needs to be to capture intimate moments without actually destroying them, so kudo's to Stephanie O Connor. Oblivious to the camera they couples looked uber cool and dare I say enviable.

Leigh-Ann de Villiers & Marthinus Kotze

Lebo "Lukewarm" & Lulama Mlambo

Feast!

TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE

Like a lot of us I’ve often been told/heard that you meet people for a season and a reason. During the healing phase of some of my more significant break ups I've optimistically, desperately really, tried to find some truth to this tired phrase. What could I possibly have to learn from these heartbreaks. What lesson could there possibly be in something so sweet turning bitter enough to walk away from I’d ask myself. Quite recently I also got the strange feeling that I was stuck in some kind of karmic loop. That my high school, college and adult sweethearts were the same man and that I had been in the same relationship for 15years. The relationships ended similarly too. Despite still caring and allegedly loving me all 3 men broke up with me. Each break up took years to get passed. Yet I don't think I truly ever got over the feelings that come with an “I love you but I just can’t be with you” type of break up.

Growing up I’d been conditioned to believe that people only broke up because of the following:

1. S/he cheated

2. S/he or they fell out of love

3. S/he was physically abusive

And so for the longest time I couldn’t grasp caring about somebody and walking away for far less "dramatic" reasons. I had an incredibly idealistic view of reality and don’t get me wrong, I still do however I now register a little lower on the scale.

After much speculation I’d go as far as to say it took those 3 men strength & love to leave. 

The kind of strength and love for ones self that I could only dream about and until recently didn’t even know I could tap into. They weren’t happy and they “simply” did what they had to do for themselves.  I thought of all the times I kept berating myself, “why me?” when really it wasn’t entirely about me. And like that another tired phrase finally found some context, “Its not you, its me.” What was actually the hardest thing to get over all 3 x times was how tightly I held on, how much I tried and how much of myself I had to let go of to hang on. I felt entitled to an end result that could justify all my compromises. It was even more heart breaking because I could identify the exact moment much earlier on in each of the relationships where Ishould have called it quits.

But, like the foolishness of any person looking to find love/fulfilment/completion outside themselves, I stayed. I stayed because I was in love, then I stayed because we had gone through too much to leave. Then I stayed because I had stayed and I didn’t know how not to stay.

So imagine my surprise that after over a decade of staying, I walked away. Not because I didn’t care for that person, but only that I cared for myself much, much more.

The single greatest thing that those 3 men taught me was to walk away.

That doesn't mean I would value the next relationship any less only myself more. 

The worst thing to have happened to me has not been to be alone but in the words of Warsan Shire, “My alone feels so good. I’ll only have you if you feel sweeter than my solitude.”

Feast!

THE WKND SOCIAL: COUPLES

The June edition of The WKND Social has come and gone but thanks to our photographer Stephanie O'Connor one can always revisit the day by checking out each events respective album. As event organisers we can all cite different reasons why we chose to create such an event and what we love most about it. One of the things I love about The WKND Social is that its a good "date" event. We've had our share of beautiful couples attending the event, boyfriends & girlfriends, boyfriends & boyfriends, girlfriends & girlfriends as well as husbands and wives. Theres a soul to the event that sets it apart from taking your significant other to the clurrrb. I'm not saying theres anything wrong with the club scene just we all know it can be a little uhm, relationship unfriendly. The full experience offers a social setting where couples can go about the business of flirting and getting to know each other whilst enjoying the general ambience or if you'd like, you can mingle with the rest of your table reducing the pressure for some of you "first daters":-) There are points of conversation to help those who of you who struggle with establishing some kind of rapport, stumbling into conversation. You can avoid the tired weather conversation prelude by talking about the good food and the yummy cocktail offerings. People watching is an activity that has often gotten even the most unlikeliest individuals into some kind banter. Its fickle but true. With the well dressed and dare I say good looking crowd that frequents the event who's wearing what should be a promising talking point if you're thus inclined. Social events always present an opportunity for you to share a drink with somebody that you would have otherwise never met. At the social I've often shared a drink as well as a DMC or two followed by a young get down with people whose paths wouldn't have ordinarily crossed my own. But, like I said, these are opportunities and opportunities by their very nature require you to step up and put yourself out there.

After the conversation and mingling theres the after party whos curated playlist includes a handful of slow jams! Proving to all non believers that the 90's was indeed a good era for RNB. During these moments I'm catapulted to memories of my school socials. The major difference being; the missing matron insisting we keep some room for the holy spirit. hahaha

Anyway, here are some couple pics from the last couple of events.

Feast!

Feast!


Disclaimer: Some of these couples may no longer have been an item by the time this post went up. 
People come together for a moment, some shorter than others. This is but a moment within a moment.