SOUL TO SOLE BOOK LAUNCH

This past Wednesday I attended the launch of Timothy Maurice's latest offering, Soul to Sole. A book which he says he has written for thinkers who want to their souls and soles to move to the same beat. People who are looking to interrogate themselves. It was a well attended event at Hyde Parks Exclusive Books. Like many people I struggle with the concept of "personal branding". Personal branding suggests that success comes from self packaging. That one should take particular care and consideration on not just who they are (knowledge, personal philosophies and action) but how the other details of ones life adds up to communicate your brand. Your body, clothing, home, choice of friends and careers etc.

The idea of personal branding was first introduced in 1937 in the book by Napolean Hill, Think and Grow Rich. The book contains philosophies on personal achievement largely based on Hills observation of some of the wealthiest individuals living in his time. You would think that with nearly a century of the ideas existence that we would all have a uniform understanding of the concept of Personal Branding but we don't. Even as I try to explain to you what my understanding of that idea is I am not sure that my attempt will fully extrapolate the theory which is why I'd invite anybody interested in the idea of personal branding to read at least one of Timothy's books on the subject. He is author of 3 brand leadership books, a columnist and a contemporary brand stylist.

In the conventional understanding a brand is not only a "companys" image it includes the "customers" experience and the expectations the "company" sets. To humanise what I've just said personal branding is who you are, what people perceive you to be and what people have come to expect of you. It is the internal to outward expression of you. The experience of you. The promise of you.
Brands are uniquely distinguishable just like we are from each other but I think the one common trait with all brands is our shared need to have or be brands of value. Think using the powerful philosophy of personal branding for good because the irony about personal branding is that its not personal at all. What especially I liked in Timothy's introduction of the book was that personal branding didn't end with how you can get paid from personal branding rather how you could potentially contribute positively to your community.

The book is available at Exclusive Books.

POETRY: Back Pack Dreams

Once upon a time I had a dream that bore dreams that in turn gave birth to more dreams. 

I forgot to live those dreams or to even go beyond those dreams. 

Instead, I kept my dreams in my back pack.

Occasionally, I unpacked them one by one with a meticulous care, placed them side by side and gently stroked at imaginary creases and folds.

Like many dreamers before I, I treated my dreams like aunts and grandmothers treated their finest bone china. On occasion my aunt would reach into the trunk that sat at the foot of her sealy posturepedic, pull out ornate dishes wrapped in yesterdays news of pending revolutions and speak of dinner parties still to be had in houses still to be built with friends still to be made. She would share her dreams with me and I in turn, would reward the moment with a treat from my own back pack.

I'd share tiny pieces of my dreams with her in a manner slightly reminiscent of school kids in court yards showcasing their packed lunches. The room would fill with glee as we presented how our lives really could be if only this and if only that. But these moments were short lived pleasures. 

Our dreams, once bared, would suddenly feel too naked and lesser somehow at the scrutinity of ... .

Well we weren't sure of what exactly.

But we knew not to stay out too late with our dreams incase of some predatory reality check. 

So when the proverbial street lights came on, back the china would go and mine promptly into my back pack.

Our dreams, hers in the trunk by the foot of her sealy posturepedic and mine on my back, lived only in these obscure moments.

We'd assure ourselves that the fragility of our hopes couldn't exist without compromise within this reality. 

These dreams were too good to be lived. Dare I say, couldn't be lived.

"One day soon. Maybe tomorrow" I'd tell myself as I soothed my dreams back into the never never land that was my back pack.

by Nandi Dlepu

Dating: A Single Mom's Perspective

Dating can be complicated. I think its because we all have very different ideas and expectations of those first couple days/weeks/months of getting to know somebody.

Sometimes those ideas and expectations marry, interlock with minimum effort and we're able to take things to the next level. But sometimes, those ideas and expectations collide. 

I didn't grow up in a dating culture and they only way I got to learn about a man I liked was in a relationship. A very premature relationship. Growing up you met a guy, he asked you out and then you were his girlfriend.

It actually took me some time to understand the concept of dating as seen on my favourite American films and series growing up. That dating, was the phase that two interested parties first engaged in in order to establish whether there was enough interest and things in common before taking the next step. 

Sometimes people refer to dating generally like I'm dating usbani'bani, whilst referring to a 2 year relationship. Its not meant to make less of what could be significant just that their understanding of the word is different. The same can be said about the girl who says that about a man she's been seeing for a fortnight. Theres nothing wrong with any of it. I just wanted to point out that what dating is for me is not what it may be for another. When I say I'm dating someone, they could be my boyfriend but the phrase has a non committal casualness about it that  for me means; I like him but we're still exploring, seeing how things go. 

When I say I'm in a relationship with someone I'm denoting decisions have been made and we're aiming for the grand prize over here. It honestly doesn't sound nearly as complicated as its coming across. These oddities are very natural for me. I over think, I over analyse and I make mountains out of molehills yet I stay sane. Relatively.

Now imagine dating as a single mom. The thought was daunting for me as it came with the realisation that just as I cited not so many years ago, how I would never ever date a man with a child that there was also a man, probably a couple out there who if given the chance we could have something pretty solid together, would now never consider dating me because I am a single mom. At this very moment this doesn't bother me as much as my fear about had me believing it would but what surprisingly got to me just recently was what concerns other people would have on behalf of their mates who may be interested in "The Single Mom" would have to say. Mostly because this kind of conversation registered to me as some kind of "WARNING: Spoilt Goods" labelling rather than it being a genuine mindfulness cum concern (?) about a mates intentions. Like, "Son, do you know what you're getting yourself into? She's got a kid. She's not looking to frolic, she's looking for a dad and a husband!". 

A friend of mine was taking me through her mindfulness cum concern and beyond the niggle of irritation I felt at being "called out" I thought, if these were the kinds of things a prospect was being made to be mindful of and actually be one with before approaching me than it was actually a distillation process that could well be in my favour. But then I also thought, what about the instances when its not about taking things to the next level, what about when it is just about temporary companionship? I thought, what about the guy who I would not be interested in marrying but just wanted to spend some time with. As a single mom is that type of dating out of bounds for me because to a degree some men would have unnecessarily had to consider a lifetime when all I was thinking about was the winter. hmmmm… .

There are obviously boundaries when dating any single mom. A few of mine being that, no future boyfriends in front of my child. A turnstile of wo/men leaving your fathers/mothers house is not healthy for any child. I have yet to be in the kind of relationship to bring a man into my home like that. This also means that I would not be able to see a prospective as much as I'd probably like to because my son owns a significant portion of my time. Add to that my work, my writing, my friends as well as the wknd social. They add up and the small amount of time that I have left over is so valuable. All parents can testify that that little bit of extra time becomes so precious that for me the bar and the quality of my explorations and consequent relationship need to deserve and warrant that allocation. It's actually quiet ironic that only as "The Single Mom", I am finally beginning to concentrate on the quality of not only my relationships but of my life because simply put, "Aint nobody got time for that."

Feast!

HEARTBREAK CLUB

To be unceremoniously dumped is a terrible thing to have to go through. One minute its forever afters, the next its my bad, I thought you were somebody else.

Would I much prefer waning affection than the aforementioned? Nope. I hope to deal with individuals who know what they want and what it is they're feeling before offering me a roller coaster ride of emotional angst and crazy. 

In the midst of 3 separate how could s/he conversations friends have asked me how? How does one carry on and move forward? I initially thought that the plea wasn't so much targeted at me as any kind of "expert" but more like the question was being put out to the universe and that it was mere coincidence that on all 3 x occasions I just happened to be the person on the other side of that receiver. But then I thought, my heart has been DEVASTATED enough times for me to have an unfortunate command of the subject. I'm a little too well versed if you ask me.

One of the greatest advices I have ever received post break up was, "Carry yourself with grace." Unfortunately there is nothing elegant about how I deal with heartbreak. The process has no smoothness or elegant movement about it whatsoever and as much as I try, thats when I can even manage to remember this wisdom, I have failed. Dismally. My process is usually filled with denial, pep talks, partying, reinvention, weight loss and a lot of booze. It is filled with random outbursts, that have resulted in severe social culling as my inner Angela (Why Did I get Married) wrestles itself to the surfaces and constantly says and does shit that I cringe at whenever I have had to go through the torment of reliving those memories. 

The experience usually stops me dead in my tracks, I feel the memory washing through and over me. I stand rigid, eyes squeezed shut hoping to quell it somehow but the overwhelming ratchetness of my actions are so powerful, they break through all resistance and I am forced to watch my Angela possessed self throw my name away. *sigh* Heartbreak and alcohol make one hell of a mixture. 

All this preoccupation, the partying and the empty and forced encounters may give out the impression that all is well when really it is not and I think thats possibly why I found myself at a loss on all those 3 occasions. So, no this does not end with a revelation that propels me to any kind of expert status but I have been hurt enough times to have received some really great advice. Some of which I have taken and others that I regrettably did not. I would like to share those with you and especially with my 3 good friends if they're reading this.

1. The first rule of heart break club is talk about it. If you can't afford a therapist, share your load with a sensible & trustworthy individual. It could be a good friend, your sibling or your parent. If you don't have one of these get a journal rather. Terrible advice will change the course of your life and you will see FLAMES.

2. Do not drink while nursing a broken heart. You will do something foolish.

3. Carry yourself with grace. Sometimes you'd be well within your rights to act a fool because of the douchebaggery way you were treated but you will be haunted. Trust me.

4. Severe heartbreak and near death experiences. Fewer things have the ability to shake you to the core and have you revaluate your life. We all need a little reevaluation from time to time. Use the angst in your favour. Let it be another thing that you overcome as opposed to the thing that brings you down. 

5. After much hype I picked up a copy of Eat. Pray.Love. A regrettable decision but I did find a gem that has stayed with me since. Elizabeth talks about not allowing herself to fall apart because doing it once would be giving herself permission to keep falling apart over and over again. The mornings when it was hard to get out of bed, I thought of that. I fought back wanting to just sob my little heart out holding that relevant truth as close to me as I could. Its not always necessary but I think you know when this type of advice is relevant. When I was eventually strong enough. I put it aside and did what we've all been told to do.

6. Cry and cry and cry and then 

7. Stop crying. 

8. When its hard to get over someone don't be so hard on yourself. Some people you don't get over just like that, you just keep living without them with until the old adage "feels like a lifetime ago" becomes applicable. Time will do what it always does. The unbearable becomes bearable, you forget and you'll move on and not because you are fickle but because you deserve happiness. "Get yours" elsewhere.

9. While trying to "get yours" try not to look for it in other peoples arms and pants. Take  time out from the opposite sex.

10. Any suggestions?

Feast!

Love Ethic

I've often heard that we're lucky to fall in love once let alone twice in a lifetime. If I think about the number of times that I have truthfully claimed to love someone, I'm looking at 3 times bitten. Because of this I casually started questioning not only the truthfulness of such statements but that of my heart as well. Have I really been inlove "that many times?" I wonder, what do phrases like the great love of your life even mean when I take into consideration the fact that I'm only 30 and still unwed. Is it possible that some or all of the loves that I have felt were inferior somehow. This is not an obvious question for me  because i dont' neccessarily think that a forever makes a love great. There's the obvious assumption that this alleged great love of your life is the individual you choose to settle down with, whatever settling down would mean for you. But then I think of those couples who, though happily married, cite another lover as their great love.

When I picture just what  things my life should contain, I see children and a loving husband. I am commited to this vision and because getting married is something that I want for myself it is something that I will keep striving for until I chose to commit to an alternative vision of my life. I guess you could say I'm hard wired that way. With that said I will fall inlove as many times as I need to/can in order to achieve that ideal. I want to say that falling inlove is the easy part but that would be very misleading but if you're still with me, what I'm trying to express is that love/chemistry as I have sorely come to realize is the most "commonly found" ingredient of what any couple needs to effectively realize a forever after. The things that make or allow that love to reach its fullest potential are and have been the constant deal breakers. For what is love if not potential and what is heartbreak if not the potential of that love unfulfilled. I think that falling inlove is great and that's that really. I think we are all better for having loved and having been loved in someway and I'm not sure if what you feel for another person can be compared to a love you have or might have had for another. Infact instead of evaluating your past love affairs through the whom how you've responded to love in general is something I think would be worthwile to investigate. Like, what kind of relationship do you have with love. I think theres a certain value one ascribes to that affection that informs how one acts when one is in a relationship and this is regardless of who the recipient may be. To an extent, its kinda like how your work ethic is your work ethic.

 I don't believe in great loves or even soul mates *gasps*. Far as I'm concerned, you don't meet great loves, you build great relationships.

Feast!

Meet my friend ...

Ever wondered who you'd really be introducing as your friend if we put as much thought into our friendships as we do our relationships? Friendships are relationships too yet its surprising how the one often receives alot more consideration than the relationships that have sustained us through our fleeting love affairs.

When I was younger I kept a very close circle of female friends and as I got older I much preferred the company of my male counterparts than I did that of women. It wasn't that men made better friends per say because I really do believe that the gender of the company you keep is immaterial. It's instead the quality of the individual and how you engage with each other that should determine your selection of friends not their sex. But with that said there are typical scenarios that are specific to each gender that you wouldn't necessarily be confronted with with the other.

When I was in high school I had a handful of close female friends. We had tug of wars about boys and even on who was the prettiest/most popular of the group. In my much younger days there always seemed to be a "need" to identify the leader of the pack. Maybe because as we come into our own we're all more likely to take comfort in following rather than being a leader so we subconsciously fall in line when we're in the company of stronger personalities or just ones that seek out to claim that kind of position or power. Anyway whatever it was, it was definitely something I saw alot of on the playground and at sport meets and less so on campus and in the workplace.

In one instance on of my closest friends liked a boy who didn't like her and who instead showed interest me. I on the other hand was not interested in said boy. She then "turned" the rest of our friends against me as more and more I found myself excluded from chill sessions and sleepovers. They got closer and dangerously hostile. Kept up the pretense of being my friend despite overdosing on hate behind closed doors and on a weekly basis I endured some malignant scene from Mean Girls as I was insulted, always in the guise of a compliment, on what I was wearing, what I did and how I performed at school. I got tricksy, retaliating and we eventually "got passed it." But the truth is even when that phase came to pass the friendship was never the same or as sincere for me. We enjoyed an arms length friendship until I graduated. I didn't keep in touch. From an incredibly young age I got, that sometimes people, you'll note that I'm not saying women but people, like to feel kinships even if they are based on the wrong thing. Our relationships are based on common goals, common passions, common dislikes and common insecurities. I've witnessed friendships nursed more on common insecurities & common dislikes than I would have liked and early on I naively wrote off the idea of having too many female friends at one go, choosing instead to forego clicks if you will. I'd often be friends with one or two girls from existing clicks because my experience had "taught" me that the bigger the group the more inclined it would be towards drama. People can gas each other up to dangerous proportions and sometimes its best to know an individual outside their posse. To say that our behaviours are not shaped by the company we keep is, I believe, a costly naiveté. But to write off meaningful and positive relationships with a group of women was and is just stooooopid.

Growing up I've also entertained varying types of friendships. What I looked for in people varied depending on my short term needs. I had friends who I partied with, friends who I spent my downtime with, friends who challenged me and friends who inspired me. Finding a friend to offer all of this was and still is a very rare thing. I have come to realise and appreciate that true friendships are indeed special and irreplaceable. They are hard sometimes, take some effort and some really difficult conversations but they deserve the same care, effort and respect that we give and expect from our love affairs. Just this year I was "dumped" by a friend of mine. People come in and out of our lives all the time, I get and accept that. Its ones prerogative whom they want to spend or not spend their time with as it is their right to end any relationship but this particular break up niggled at me for some time. I basically had to catch clues that the friendship was over, the not returning calls, not responding to messages, exclusions from certain events and AHA! I later thought but wasn't this the equivalent of "dating" somebody and then having to catch clues that its over. Thats a social no no right? Maybe they have different rules. Maybe.

At the very least past my early twenties I thought that the one thing that people I had invited into my inner circle had in common was loyalty and respect. It is always disappointing to find out that what you've shared in confidence to an individual is used to strengthen their bond with another. When you become the common dislike and or the common insecurity but it happens. I try to understand it and tell myself that it happens because we are naturally critical of each other which we should be and I get how ugly that can become when you add esteem issues into the mix. I think positive criticism builds us and through our meaningful friendships gets us to where we need to be but criticism can take a nasty turn and become scathing, mean and actually says more about your own character than it ever will the person you are criticizing in the first place. I also think that friendships that cannot be positively critical are a waste of our time. Friends who cannot take criticism are doing themselves an injustice.

I dislike getting criticism but some of my more resilient friendships are with the individuals that have checked me. I have even fought to keep some of these friends around.

So lately I am mindful of who I call a friend and I am as equally aware of the responsibility and privilege it is when somebody considers me and introduces me as their friend.

Feast!

THE WKND SOCIAL APRIL EDITION CANCELLED

Friends,

Due to the weather forecast looking bleak for Saturday 20th  of April THE WKND SOCIAL APRIL EDITION has been cancelled..

As much as it was incredibly disappointing for us to have to cancel April's event, we, the rest of the ladies and I, just couldn't visualise ourselves hosting a sub par event at a contingency venue for you guys. However this does mean that we will make it up to you by making sure that THE WKND SOCIAL MAY EDITION, taking place on Saturday 18 May is wildly fun and amazing.

Full refunds can be obtained for all ticket holders, by emailing info@quicket.co.za 
before 16:00 on Monday 22nd April 2013, with the subject line: THE WKND SOCIAL.
Unfortunately refunds will not be actioned on emails sent after 16:00 on Monday 22nd April 2013 

However, if you are free on Saturday 18th May 2013, and are curious as to how we are going to make this up to you, please drop us an email on info@thekwndsocial.combefore 16:00 on Monday 22nd April 2013, with the subject line THE WKND SOCIAL MAY EDITION and we will reallocate your April edition ticket to THE WKND SOCIAL MAY EDITION, which will be an indoor event so that Mother Nature can't touch us.

We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused and we look forward to hosting you at many events to come and thank you for the continued support.

xoxo