Getting a post out these last couple weeks has been difficult. Beyond life and work generally keeping me busy I haven't really had anything to say which would surprise those who know me as I'm usually never short of an opinion. But lately when its come to the dance between men and women I have been slightly detached, gradually forming a new opinion on dating and its actually felt kinda like an out of body experience. Watching the opinion take on a life of its own and all. In a previous post I touched on what would most likely be my first book, it'll be titled "Things I wish my mother told me" a collection of anecdotes, sage advice and my personal experiences on a variety of things and obviously about dating. It feels like this new opinion could be one of those pearls. We'll just have to see if it stands the test of time but for now it feels right. What is it you ask?
Ukuthandana is grown ass people business.
Honestly if I could take a time machine back to 11 year old Nandi who was busy crushing on uSimthebile, her classmate I would say leave it alone child. Rather play a round of uqhapi(rope) with your home girls. For a lot of women my age (snickers) the journey to finding love has been a long and arduous one and it seems to me that many women, I'd say from 26 up are tired at what should really be the start line. I remember my mom once saying we were only allowed to start having boyfriends when we were 21. Doey eyed Nandi scoffed at this. And now looking back at the last decade I can honestly say that I truly believe that that time would have been better spent on my career, nurturing my relationships with my family, traveling and generally growing, building and nurturing myself. This years break from dating (involuntary) and relationships (voluntary) has seen me grow in such a way that I literally found myself musing, "Damn. My mother was right after all.
I decided to troll a few dating sites and see what was the accepted age for dating and most sites cited 14 or 15 years of age. My first reaction was but thats so young, then personal experience settled in and I was like oh yeah, kanene.
At its very basic level relationships are founded on attraction.
You date for the purpose of exploring that attraction right? Well, I believe so.
Relationship are also supposed to about 2 complete ie relatively developed individuals sharing themselves and their lives together. Right? Well, I'd also like to think so.
I do not believe the average teenager understands the importance of sex.
I do not believe that women under the age of 24 never mind 21 realise what a double edged sword being sexually and emotionally active will be for them.
I also do not believe that as a teenager you know enough about yourself to share yourself with another.
I think that what little scraps of identity you have managed to piece together are fragmented pieces of a much bigger, bigger picture that only becomes clearer with time and with sufficient life experience.
The thing is, all our relationships define us and our love/sexual connections sometimes contribute to our individual character more than they probably should but they do.
Before we are able to learn to truly live with conviction we are already well versed in compromise. Liking what s/he likes, listening to what s/he listens to and bailing out on family, friends, responsibilities because s/he is a priority.
Its for all these reasons and more that I now believe that dating under the age of 21 is a foolhardy pursuit.
I am also a little saddened by the plus 26 year old woman who is tired of kissing frogs like they'd been doing it forever but the truth is they have. Too long. Unnaturally long.
But what now, add in the pressure of her biological clock because trust me feeling broody with no prospects is no joke but nor is trying to make a husband out of every man you date because you feel like you're running out of time. Do you, grow you and love you because it is truly all you can do. Beyond a quantity issue when it comes to eligible black bachelors theres the perceived issue on quality. I say perceived because there are good men out there and some of them read this blog. Hello Gentlemen *smiles and waves* I also by nature am a hopeful person. I do believe that there is somebody out there, not perfect but right for you. My relationships, my friends are a true testament to that. Finding a good friend, people with similar interests and values is as discerning a task as it is dating or finding a life partner.
Girlfriend, you may feel alone but you are never alone. As a single gal myself, I sometimes get those pangs wanting to share certain moments with that somebody special but feel alone? Rarely. Whenever I do though, I'm really quick to check myself because I won't let the value of one thing undermine the value of what I do have and what I still have the potential to realize.
The overall takeout? If your relationships (love/sex) have been a priority for much of your life then chances are you're not as grown as you think you are.
But like I said this opinion is still evolving, still taking on a life of its own. Parenting with this belief should prove to be interesting :-)
Feast!
* A friend of mine confessed to me that despite her struggling career. The world that she sought to build for herself was now secondary to finding a man and having a child. This confession touched me to the core. She was just so sad and I wondered how she ever did it, still does it. If there was ever a serial dater, She was it. Not surprisingly she says she's tired, 27 years old and tired. I was touched. She always looked like she was having so much fun. Smitten at the beginning, working each relationship like a job but the disappointment had obviously taken. This is the kind of woman I had in mind when writing this post but I think there's a truth that is applicable to most women. If we're going to act like its a race then lets explore the metaphor fully shalll we? A lifetime is a marathon, pace yourself, not everybody gets a second wind.
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