Settling "down" are we?

Its the not so classic tale of boy meets girl, girl and boy hit it off. Girl likes boy more than boy likes girl. Boy displays acts of genuine douchebaggery. Girl and boy split. My favourite ending is the one where girl lives happily ever after, without that boy but in some cases, boy makes a come back. Boy sees girl now grown ass woman in a different light. Boy finally becomes a man and comes correct. Who doesn't love a story that comes "full circle"?

Now, we all have this friend or know of a friend of a friend who have, despite initial woes, come out hand in hand with the guy you thought, well despite her affection for him you didn't think much of him or their relationship. I think most of us wish that was our story to tell. Truth is, for a lot of us that won’t ever be our story. He may never come around but we stay fuelled by these stories of how ubani bani stuck it out and now look at her/them. Earlier today I had breakfast with an ex colleague of mine. She’s older than me and I always enjoy my conversations with her. She has the ability to bring me down to earth as far as my expectations with my career and relationships are concerned but at the same time keep me inspired. I told her of the last gentleman who tried to … well I’m actually not sure what it was he was doing exactly. I met this man through a mutual friend. I could tell he wasn't interested in me at all so I relaxed and we got to talking. An hour into our conversation I could see that his interest had peaked, I blamed it on the ah ah ah ah alcohol. So I played dumb to his advances and in an effort to cast the attention off of me I turned to the table where my girlfriend and another man sat and asked if any of them were married or in relationships. The one man said he was in a relationship we then turned our attentions to my new friend. His friend had a naughty grin on his face as we waited for a response. My new friend leaned back, smiled and said he had one too. I reached for my glass of bubbly smugly thinking, “Check mate. This mack portion of the night could thankfully end” but it didn’t. At some point I thought, let me be a liitle bit more direct by shutting down all his advances with, "But I thought you had a girlfriend?" Long story short, the guy said that was immaterial and I’ll ruefully admit we had quite a back and forth on this. Me insisting that his advancements were inappropriate, he insisting that they weren’t until he finally said, “In a couple more years you’ll no longer suffer from your romantic delusions. I’ll give you time. You’ll see.” I relayed the tale to my older counterpart and all she had to offer was that these men had balls but could I blame them? She told me about a certain young, beautiful and successful public figure who was actually having an affair with somebody’s husband within her inner circle. She continued, saying that women my age tend to give up easily. She herself was only 37 when she got married. We spoke about how a fair portion of infidelities are a result of some women throwing their hands up in defeat like “this is as good as its gonna get” or are simply hungry for intimacy to the point of compromise. While typing this I actually recalled a saying my cousins back home had imparted on me growing up“Umntu uthathwe komnye umntu” basically you get a person by taking them from another but being a mistress isn’t that at all its an illegal loan. So scratch that.

I was reading a post from one of my favourite relationship blogs titled Baggage Reclaim a couple days back. The post was titled “How having a ‘tell’ can give someone the impression that you’ll tolerate their behaviour or issues”. It talked about unconscious tell tale signs that give brothers the idea that he’s going to get away with a lot with you.

It reinforced one of my biggest beliefs when dealing with all relationships especially with men, “make sure that your ‘tell’ communicates, “I’ve got boundaries so either respect me or jog on” (she’s much politer than I am)

In a separate conversation a girlfriend of mine was talking about how she had just started enforcing a waiting period before getting intimate with any man she likes. This is a basic that pretty much goes unpractised. 


FACT: Most men need to get to know you before gaining access to the cookie jar to ensure any kind of longevity. 


Intimacy too soon is as bad as intimacy too late. It’s so sad when this happens, when you involuntarily end up friend zoning someone because they just didn’t make their move or didn’t make it in time.

I think I hear an equal amount of stories about women looking for love as I do women staying in situations they have no business staying in. Staying in a taxing relationship waiting for some kind of pay off is a dangerous thing. When your self-esteem is operating at a deficit, you tend to place an unhealthy emphasis on the little things, them tiny “victories”. Firstly if you’re keeping any kind of score then you are not in mutually beneficial relationship and chances are you’re putting more into the affair then you probably should be. If portions of your days are spent trying to decipher what he meant when he said or didn’t say this, didn’t or didn’t do that its time to take an honest look at the quality of your relationship. Mutually beneficial relationships are a result of when 2 individuals have learnt to first value themselves and then each other.

If you are feeling emotionally starved, find another way to nourish yourself. Love comes in so many shapes and forms and fulfilment can be derived from even the most menial of tasks. Think of the satisfaction you're likely to receive when you set your sights just a little higher.


At the end of our breakfast I remember my older counterpart saying to me, "Real isn't less romantic." My takeout, not everybody will have a perfectly crafted relationship and just because the initial courtship wasn't filled with whatever fairytale and/or romantic expectations you were nursed with and have come to view as the standard, the lack of any of that doesn't make the overall less special. Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in are less than ideal and one should by all means work with what they've got. By got, I'm referring to got his affections, got his respect and got his attention. I wish they formed a really cute acronym but they don't and I promise you it doesn't make them any less acute.

If you don't have those 3 things to work with can we just agree that you're settling?


Was that a yes?