Dating: A Single Mom's Perspective

Dating can be complicated. I think its because we all have very different ideas and expectations of those first couple days/weeks/months of getting to know somebody.

Sometimes those ideas and expectations marry, interlock with minimum effort and we're able to take things to the next level. But sometimes, those ideas and expectations collide. 

I didn't grow up in a dating culture and they only way I got to learn about a man I liked was in a relationship. A very premature relationship. Growing up you met a guy, he asked you out and then you were his girlfriend.

It actually took me some time to understand the concept of dating as seen on my favourite American films and series growing up. That dating, was the phase that two interested parties first engaged in in order to establish whether there was enough interest and things in common before taking the next step. 

Sometimes people refer to dating generally like I'm dating usbani'bani, whilst referring to a 2 year relationship. Its not meant to make less of what could be significant just that their understanding of the word is different. The same can be said about the girl who says that about a man she's been seeing for a fortnight. Theres nothing wrong with any of it. I just wanted to point out that what dating is for me is not what it may be for another. When I say I'm dating someone, they could be my boyfriend but the phrase has a non committal casualness about it that  for me means; I like him but we're still exploring, seeing how things go. 

When I say I'm in a relationship with someone I'm denoting decisions have been made and we're aiming for the grand prize over here. It honestly doesn't sound nearly as complicated as its coming across. These oddities are very natural for me. I over think, I over analyse and I make mountains out of molehills yet I stay sane. Relatively.

Now imagine dating as a single mom. The thought was daunting for me as it came with the realisation that just as I cited not so many years ago, how I would never ever date a man with a child that there was also a man, probably a couple out there who if given the chance we could have something pretty solid together, would now never consider dating me because I am a single mom. At this very moment this doesn't bother me as much as my fear about had me believing it would but what surprisingly got to me just recently was what concerns other people would have on behalf of their mates who may be interested in "The Single Mom" would have to say. Mostly because this kind of conversation registered to me as some kind of "WARNING: Spoilt Goods" labelling rather than it being a genuine mindfulness cum concern (?) about a mates intentions. Like, "Son, do you know what you're getting yourself into? She's got a kid. She's not looking to frolic, she's looking for a dad and a husband!". 

A friend of mine was taking me through her mindfulness cum concern and beyond the niggle of irritation I felt at being "called out" I thought, if these were the kinds of things a prospect was being made to be mindful of and actually be one with before approaching me than it was actually a distillation process that could well be in my favour. But then I also thought, what about the instances when its not about taking things to the next level, what about when it is just about temporary companionship? I thought, what about the guy who I would not be interested in marrying but just wanted to spend some time with. As a single mom is that type of dating out of bounds for me because to a degree some men would have unnecessarily had to consider a lifetime when all I was thinking about was the winter. hmmmm… .

There are obviously boundaries when dating any single mom. A few of mine being that, no future boyfriends in front of my child. A turnstile of wo/men leaving your fathers/mothers house is not healthy for any child. I have yet to be in the kind of relationship to bring a man into my home like that. This also means that I would not be able to see a prospective as much as I'd probably like to because my son owns a significant portion of my time. Add to that my work, my writing, my friends as well as the wknd social. They add up and the small amount of time that I have left over is so valuable. All parents can testify that that little bit of extra time becomes so precious that for me the bar and the quality of my explorations and consequent relationship need to deserve and warrant that allocation. It's actually quiet ironic that only as "The Single Mom", I am finally beginning to concentrate on the quality of not only my relationships but of my life because simply put, "Aint nobody got time for that."

Feast!