THE FRIEND ZONE

"The status one attains when a woman is not attracted to you."

A guy likes you; you really, really like him just not in that way. You like him so much in fact that you want to keep him around. It’s worth stating the obvious but one can only friend zone some one they like and ideally want to keep around ... as a friend.

I always found it hard turning down guys whose personalities I genuinely liked. I struggled with friend zoning often leading somebody on far enough to find myself ducking the odd kiss or two. When that happens there's no possibility of a friend zone. The guy ends up feeling like a fool and being around you will always remind him of that awkward and highly embarrassing moment. The look of utter horror on your face as he leaned in, how your whole body jerked and with cat like reflexes you one-two, one-two, you ducked and you dove. You pulled your face so far back your neck muscles and sinew strained against the flimsiness of your drawn out skin. Imagine this image of you seared onto someone's brain. Would you want to befriend that memory? I didn't think so.

Ever since I made bluntness my thing, my strategy is to inform men that they are being friend zoned or have been friend zoned. How does one do that you ask? Well, we'll be at the bar or out at lunch and when the bill comes, I’ll reach for it and say out loud, " you see this right here" and in an exaggerated manner I'll gesture to the bill and say, " me paying for my food/drink. This is you being friend zoned." 

Other times, I'll hint to the friend zone by gushing, "You are so amazing, smart and attractive." Gush, pause and then continue, "I have this girlfriend and I think you guys would be perfect for each other!” There is no friend, just the obvious translation.

There's also treating him like the gay best friend; talking about other men and asking for his opinion. There’s the “emasculating” strategy where you treat him like a cute baby. This involves a lot of cheek squeezing and phrases like "isn't he the cutest" to his friends and yours. There are many friend-zoning strategies but the announcement has been my preferred method of tackling that elephant in the room. They're sheepish for a moment but I think the comical way that it's approached leaves a lot of recovery room and has often resulted in the smooth transition of aspiring lover to homie but then there are those other times.

There’s a guy. He has an amazing personality, he’s funny, charming etc. Despite several announcements he resists all attempts at the friend zone. Usually after a guy has accepted his friend zoning you can quickly move onto the friendship. The flirting and constant marketing of himself, his prowess, coolness and uhm, other things swiftly come to an end. But there are certain individuals who will sit with you in what should have just been a moment of awkwardness and give it chapters.

Sometimes the announcement is mistakenly taken as a challenge and sometimes a brother is just an incredibly determined individual. I would just like to point out that at some point resisting a friend zone can become creepy and creepy as we all know is cousin to rapey. You don't want to be this guy.

There are times when a woman gives mixed signals. She may enjoy the attention she gets from the guy and from time to time may lead him on. Friend zoning needs to be clear. Don’t try drawing compliments out of him when you’re feeling low. Don’t twerk on the guy just to exercise your power over his senses. Don’t speak to him everyday, drawing him into your life only to wave your finger at him when he starts getting comfortable and confident.

Ladies, there are no grey areas when friend zoning. If you want him to just be your friend then treat him just like any male friend.

Guys, when she tells you you’ve been friend zoned you have been friend zoned. Deal.