What better way to welcome in the season’s chill than with Indian cuisine and the warmth of good company. That was the plan when friends and I met for dinner at Parktown Norths Mantra. Steph had just gotten back from her Ghana trip and it was our 1st dinner since MK's return but because money was funny all round, Indian food was the perfect compromise. Its the type of food you can share, just a couple meat dishes, a bowl of rice and some garlic naans and you're good to go. I'd been to Mantra a couple times and had had nothing but a good recollection of stellar service and really good food but like all good things I guess, this too had to come to an abrupt end. The service was not at its optimum and after Steph complained about her dish not having any coconut like the menu described, the management replaced her dish with my personal favorite, the Chicken Makhani. They then brought her first order back to the table on some, "Oh yeah, we decided you're gonna pay for this too." The cheek! After some words though, all from Steph and serious side eyes and pursed lips from Thando, the restaurant took an 'L' on the situation. I won't lie though, the Chicken Makhani did not disappoint and I think I may be willing to let my aged memory do its thing and go back at some point but, then again there is that spot in Sunninghill thats also alot closer to home. Hmmm... .
To further detract from the evenings chill was the evening’s topic of choice, polygamy. This topic has surprisingly come up quite regularly of late. There are several reasons why but one most relevant is that at 30 years (well 29 and some change) and after 15 years of dating, fidelity or the lack thereof becomes an increasingly pressing concern. Women in and out of relationships talk about it all the time. Amidst the pursuit of love we see people around us cheating or being cheated on and swear in melodramatic flair that we would never tolerate such a thing and with equal trepidation pray about how you hope to God that your own current or eventual relationship/s will not be subjected to that kind of trial.
For me personally, polygamy has some kind of face because I know a couple brothers with half ass affiliations to polygamy. We are all, obviously, entitled to our own beliefs but I think that they should be as informed and should possess less contradictory points as possible.
Polygamy is the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. Not more than 1 partner (gf or bf) at a time. That my dear is fidelity: the sexual faithfulness to a person.
I’d love to have a brother explain it to me, not to judge or even pose a versus context but just to get some insight, a little understanding regarding a phenomena that perplexes me. So I have asked one to do so and said brother has obliged.
In the meantime do chew on the following:
- In a 2005 survey on marriage, 87% of South Africans favoured lifelong monogamy, whereas 25% of black men and 15% of white ones preferred polygamy. Women of all colours were a lot less keen. By 2003 fewer than 4% were in polygamous relationships, a number that is likely to slip further, whatever the president’s example.
- 30% to 60% of all married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage.
- Infidelity is more common among people under 30.
- As women become more financially independent, women are starting to act like men with respect to infidelity. (we're cheating more and more)
- The internet, email, BBM and chat rooms make it easier for people to engage in infidelity.
- Biological evidence indicates that long term monogamy is difficult for humans to achieve but not impossible. In our country most divorces happen between the 5 and 9 year mark.
I have always made it a point to communicate to the man that I am dating that if you can no longer be faithful to me then kindly follow the neon arrows pointing out the exit. It’s the red door to your right. More than anything I like to live an aspirant reality as well as have it be a reciprocal reality. If we decide from the word go that we are exclusive if you at any point come to the conclusion that you can no longer abide by the initial boundaries as set up in the beginning of our discourse, again, let me know, so I can switch off the lights and you can follow them neon lights out of my heart’s sight. Betrayal is one hell of a wound, unlike heartbreak, its been my experience that it is far harder to recover from.
Some time ago I was listening to a radio discussion where a relationship therapist was talking about marriage and how it was in need of an evolution. How instead of life long contracts we should be looking at short term contracts with a possible renew clause. I am not making this up. But basically it would still be a marriage, so you are both in it with the intention of spending the rest of your lives together but after say 5 or 10 years you can meet to reevaluate. I let the 'logic' stew and I could see the sense in it but I still struggle with the purpose. Is this to help divorce stats? Whats the point of getting married, a life long commitment, if coming in you've already conceded that this may not last. Just date for 10 years then. The state will treat you like you're married anyway. The thing is, at its core the history of marriage is from a religious context, the belief that for one man there is one woman. If you do not have this belief why get married in the first place. Has the ceremony become more important? Polygamy, fidelity, marriage these topics of conversations are highly intertwined in our country. In a follow up post I'll have a couple friends share their thoughts on the matter and maybe inspire a more considered,respectful and honorable liaisons between the sexes. Until then,
Feast!
Feast!
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