Oksalayo siyajola

Last week Friday, Tebogo invited me to after works drink with her and the girl Lucia at the local suburban shebeen, The Attic. I arrived to a bottle of champers, these sisters weren't mucking about but since I was still on a non drinking spell I ordered myself a tonic water instead. Wasting no time at all we got straight into it, laughing, talking about thug life and its consequences, boys (of course) and things our mommas told us growing up.

The evenings quotable was from Lucia's mom, "Kujola izinja, abantu bayathandana", tjo tjo tjo. 

I mean I definitely think we live in a society that is a little too frivolous about dating but daaang.
Thinking about it my mother didn't tow such a hard line but there was a line.
The first time I ever fell in love my mom knew about it. The first time I ever got my heart broken too. Looking back I do think she may have witnessed more than the fair and appropriate share of my relationships to follow. I was a liberty taker. I silently laughed and cringed at my 20 something audacity. 

Tebogo also relays a similar up bringing, well to that of Lucia's and at that point I stop talking. 

Alongside these ladies my upbringing was sounding slightly hippie and unorthodox. 

People already think I'm cray no need to go about confirming it I thought. *chuckles* 

I grew up around a lot of women, single mothers, divorcees and wives. My immediate family consisted of the former.

So dating, though not consistent, was a norm and by dating I mean being in a relationship and not married but thats not the type of dating Lucia's mom was referring to, well at least I think. I immediately thought of the no intention other than to enjoy a good man/womans company for some time and with no serious consideration as far as long term compatibilities type of dating. I felt guilty, thats the type of dating I have on some level been secretly entertaining like a girl wearing red lipstick emini (daytime), I felt like a dirty whore! Hahahaha, thats honestly what I used to think whenever I saw anybody wearing red lipstick during the day. Granted it was a couple years ago but still it was extreme. It was like drinking before midday I thought, tsk tsk. hahaha!

Some time back a friend had recommended I read "A Belle in Brooklyn" by Demetria Lucas, "the go to girl for advice on living your best single life". The recommendation couldn't have come at a better time. I'd like to first clarify, for as many times a man thinks about sex women think about relationships hence the topical skew in my posts. I am not looking for a relationship but I am open to one. Whats the difference you may ask? Well when a woman is looking for a relationship or simply a man, this is the search at its extreme. She walks into a place quickly calculates the ratio of men vs women and from the men the possibilities vs the non's, from the possibilities the really conscientious woman will then look around at the women present, consider his possible types and who he may already be sending vibes out to and be left with a reason as to whether or not she'll stay at said gathering or not.  The woman who is actively looking is also usually partially engaged in whatever she's doing and you can see her eyes fleeting around the room as she quickly asses's the "rooms" ever relative potential. Who's coming in, out, walking by, hollering at who, knows who, speaks to whom etc etc The success of an evening is directly related to the possibility of meeting that somebody new. When you're open to being found, well that just means I'm out doing me and should say a husky voice politely interrupt whatever glorious moment I could be in the midst of to introduce himself, I'd be nice. 

But back to the book, there were a couple of gems in it. To start was when D started wondering why "the problem of singleness is usually portrayed as a black issue or even a female one? What about single men" she asks and what of the dating while white, Sex and the City? It featured women well past thirty shown practically high off new experiences.  For white women, single-hood looked exhilarating and adventurous, not desperate, the way it is often shown for black women the book continues to muse. Church. This little revelation was in the book's introduction, a really promising start I thought. I'm just about through with the book and I can see why she's been referred to as "the black Carrie Bradshaw". She is explicit, fun, glamorous, flawed, insightful and just real. 

There's a chapter titled  "A Good Jump Off is Hard to Find". D uses her extensive database of men and women and comes up with 12 rules. 

At no. 6 we had JO's don't grow into more. I know too many women who ignore this rule. If its not me you'll believe, then believe D. You know what they say, if its in a book its gotta be true! hehehe but seriously though, abide! 

At no 7. Stop catching feelings. If you do catch feelings, avoid the "I'd like to upgrade" conversation and cut your losses immediately. 

At no 9. Discretion. The arrangement is pretty much over when/if word gets back to your partner. Players move in silence.

The rules are silly but insightful and dare I say some seem necessary like 1. JO's don't hang out together. and 2. Do your biz and go. No cuddling definitely no spending the night and no breakfast. Laughing as I type this I can see how the practice of 1 and 2 can prevent the aforementioned 6 and 7.

The book reminded me of a lot of old and new conversations and I had a face and relatable moment for most of the chapters. I can't tell you how fun that was.

I'm certainly not going to knock down casual dating. Enjoy being single I say, I finally do, and if you choose to date whilst, date responsibly and ladies, 

(Image from Daughters of Dilla)

for JO's and as a matter of fact, for anything. Keep it real and keep it true cos oksalayo siyathandana. 

Feast!