I had a “hallway” conversation with a male acquaintance of
mine the other day. I asked about his girlfriend and he says they had broken up. I
say I’m sorry as it seems like the appropriate thing to say. He shares that
he’s fortunately been hard at work and as a result has hardly felt the loss much.
Thank god for them grueling production hours I quip. He tells me he’s happy to
be single and wants to keep it that way. He admits that he is a relationship
guy and that in the last decade he hasn’t been single for more than 3 months
between each relationship. I’m like good for you. He then proceeds to tell me
that he is kicking it with someone. “I love sex”, he says, responding to my
quizzical look. After he walks away I’m left thinking, What the hell does being
single even mean any more?
Single. An adjective.
Meaning: Unmarried or not in a stable sexual relationship.
If I say I’m single I mean I am not seeing anybody on any
level. Lets say if I were in a not quite so single situation, there are few and
far more appropriate responses that come to mind. “I’m involved” being one and
“Not really” being another. I get why it could be “cleaner” to simply have a
black and white response to this question. I do. But be prepared to be accused
of lying should news of your less than single situation surfaces to a prospect
that you had told the contrary to when in fact you are in a stable sexual
relationship and by stable I mean enduring, durable, lasting, reliable and in
short consistent.
I randomly asked a couple women, friends and acquaintances,
whether they ever ask from the point of what appears to be mutual interest if
dude is single or not. Only a few did and do. So I asked a couple guys what
they thought of this. They said: Some women prefer not to take the initiative
on this conversation. Instead they think that the man’s behaviour towards her
is clue enough. “Well why would he ask me for my number if he wasn’t single?” or
“C’mon, if he had a girlfriend he wouldn’t have been flirting with me.” etc.
FALSE! The brothers respond unanimously. How a man treats you is not
necessarily linked to his availability. One guy said that the conscious or
unconscious omission should not be a permissible factor when even trying to peg
dude as a dog. He is not a bad man for not telling you. Most agree that if it
was of any importance to you then you would ask. One argued that woman have all
sorts of check lists they tick off through a series of questions or things they
like to get clarified before even engaging with you, the must haves and deal
breakers. If them being in a relationship is a deal breaker they assume you
will ask and that you will rightly break! Very few men, they tell me, will look
you in the eye and say No when infact they are in a relationship. One guy once relayed to me his
tale of woe. He met a girl at a club took her home and they continued to kick
it for the next couple weeks. At some point she asked if they were now a
couple. He says he was taken aback stating nothing about how they had initially engaged
could have possibly or should have given her the idea that this was the next
step or level for them. He responded by saying no and that he was already
seeing someone else and how he was in an open relationship. It did not end well. His argument, she never not once
asked him if he was single and add to that the fact that their affair was
spurred off by a post club hook up he didn’t presume to think that this woman
was even looking for a relationship. He says that had she had even raised the
question it would have immediately alerted him to what kind of situation she
was in the market for. The assumption, women who ask “Are you single?” are most
likely in the market for a relationship and women who don’t ask, well they
don’t want to know, presumably don’t care because what they are looking for is
a lot more frivolous.
Say you ask, what happens if he answers no and he doesn’t
have a girlfriend yet is kicking it with someone? One guy offers, “Maybe women
need to ask are you single? Then, are you kicking it with someone as the follow
up.” Imagine, a world where you knew what you were getting yourself into? Insert
mock gasp. Another says asking after intimacy ensues is the equivalent of entrapment!
The audacity!
That audacious yet humorous statement aside the next time,
you’re feeling him and he is obviously feeling you, ask and the sooner the
better.
Feast!
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